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I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression in 2009.
Shortly after that I experienced a Nervous Breakdown. I think that's why.
You see, with a diagnosis came freedom. I was finally able to let go of all that I was supposed to be, all that I thought I should be. I relinquished control of my "Self" ... and was finally set free.
At first it was horrible. The sinking, drowning, suffocating feeling that is Mental illness. I even thought the unthinkable ... Not because I wanted to die. I was terrified of leaving my children. But I was also completely and utterly exhausted by my own existence. What I wrongly called a Life.
You see, I had no real right to be depressed. Not according to me.
I had a wonderful life; beautiful Husband, amazing children, happy home.
"Just snap out of it Jen!"
Yep, if only.
In hindsight, I have suffered from Depression for most of my life. Childhood trauma changes a person forever.
For me, Depression is a thick, heavy dark cloud that is, at its worst, shackled to me by a thick, heavy leaden chain. And yet I actually think I am one of the luckier ones. You see, even on my darkest day there was always the tiniest sliver of sunshine somewhere in the distance. Sometimes oh so far away, but always there. Hope. And I would reach out for it every single time.
After my diagnosis everything changed. I began taking an anti-depressant and attending weekly therapy sessions with a brilliant Psychologist. Sometimes the days between my therapy sessions seemed unbearably long. I am blessed with amazing, strong, trustworthy support in my life, but only in those therapy sessions did the understanding take shape. And I relished in the learning.
Suddenly, and much sooner than I expected, that cloud started to lift. Over time, it became less dense, a lighter shade of grey, and the chain that had been shackled to me grew into a rope. Nowadays its a ribbon and the cloud floats quite a distance behind me. Some days I almost forget that its there ... but it always is.
You see, I'll never NOT have Depression.
And that's OK.
Its a part of who I am.
I'm not proud of it. I don't wave it about and seek attention for it.
But I am proud of how I live with it.
I have learnt so much over the past 5 years, and I wouldn't change it for anything. I have learnt to challenge everything that I thought I knew to be true about myself, for the sake of my future. The "old" Me simply wasn't viable anymore. The "new" me has so much to live for ... and that's exciting.
In sharing my story I hope that you will think a little differently about Depression. If there is just one thing you take away from this story, please let it be to never ever give up hope. Always keep reaching out for help ... always. You are so worth it.
www.lifeline.com.au
Shortly after that I experienced a Nervous Breakdown. I think that's why.
You see, with a diagnosis came freedom. I was finally able to let go of all that I was supposed to be, all that I thought I should be. I relinquished control of my "Self" ... and was finally set free.
At first it was horrible. The sinking, drowning, suffocating feeling that is Mental illness. I even thought the unthinkable ... Not because I wanted to die. I was terrified of leaving my children. But I was also completely and utterly exhausted by my own existence. What I wrongly called a Life.
You see, I had no real right to be depressed. Not according to me.
I had a wonderful life; beautiful Husband, amazing children, happy home.
"Just snap out of it Jen!"
Yep, if only.
In hindsight, I have suffered from Depression for most of my life. Childhood trauma changes a person forever.
For me, Depression is a thick, heavy dark cloud that is, at its worst, shackled to me by a thick, heavy leaden chain. And yet I actually think I am one of the luckier ones. You see, even on my darkest day there was always the tiniest sliver of sunshine somewhere in the distance. Sometimes oh so far away, but always there. Hope. And I would reach out for it every single time.
After my diagnosis everything changed. I began taking an anti-depressant and attending weekly therapy sessions with a brilliant Psychologist. Sometimes the days between my therapy sessions seemed unbearably long. I am blessed with amazing, strong, trustworthy support in my life, but only in those therapy sessions did the understanding take shape. And I relished in the learning.
Suddenly, and much sooner than I expected, that cloud started to lift. Over time, it became less dense, a lighter shade of grey, and the chain that had been shackled to me grew into a rope. Nowadays its a ribbon and the cloud floats quite a distance behind me. Some days I almost forget that its there ... but it always is.
You see, I'll never NOT have Depression.
And that's OK.
Its a part of who I am.
I'm not proud of it. I don't wave it about and seek attention for it.
But I am proud of how I live with it.
I have learnt so much over the past 5 years, and I wouldn't change it for anything. I have learnt to challenge everything that I thought I knew to be true about myself, for the sake of my future. The "old" Me simply wasn't viable anymore. The "new" me has so much to live for ... and that's exciting.
In sharing my story I hope that you will think a little differently about Depression. If there is just one thing you take away from this story, please let it be to never ever give up hope. Always keep reaching out for help ... always. You are so worth it.
www.lifeline.com.au